


I Exist As I Am

by ItsTeatimeSomewhere



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Aromantic, Aromantic Character, Asexual Character, Asexuality, Coming Out, F/M, Gen, M/M, Queerplatonic Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-08
Updated: 2015-09-08
Packaged: 2018-04-19 19:14:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4757780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ItsTeatimeSomewhere/pseuds/ItsTeatimeSomewhere
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis thinks he's got no chance of closeness. What do you do when you don't want to find love?</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Exist As I Am

**Author's Note:**

> This story has been long in the making! It comes from a very personal place, so through writing it I've actually worked through a lot of my own feelings, which has been wonderful. I want to thank my amazing betas for all their help [Pixie](http://www.specklesocks.tumblr.com) and [Emily](http://www.romanau.tumblr.com)!  
> the title comes from "Song of Myself" by Walt Whitman, specifically these lines: _I exist as I am, that is enough, / if no other in the world be aware I sit content, / And if each and all be aware I sit content_

++

On his first day at the new school, Louis felt like every cliche teen movie all piled into one. He was Gabriella Montez, except without the math smarts--and the musical talent. Or, maybe he was Cady Heron, but hopefully he wouldn’t have to deal with any Regina George. With any hope, he would be the Sandy and find his own group of Pink Ladies.

Regardless of which tired trope he would be playing out as he walked through the dimly lit halls, Louis felt infinitely smaller in the large sea of people milling between classes. In the corner of his eye, he spotted a group of boys who were guffawing over something near the water fountains. If Louis were in a romcom, this would be the moment when his new social outcast friend explained to him which cliques were in the school. Those boys were probably the kings of the school. Louis just rolled his eyes.

He left the tumultuous aisles for his first class: history. His least favorite subject. Who could remember sixteen different kings and twenty different battles? None of it mattered, anymore. But he slid into a desk, piling his books in front of him and resting his head on his arms.

Next to him, a boy in a Lakers jersey sat down, and Louis realized it was one of the boys from the group he had seen earlier.

“Hey, ‘m Liam,” he introduced himself, smiling at Louis.

“Louis.”

“You new?”

Louis nodded. “From Nevada.”

Liam’s eyes went wide. “Wow! That’s pretty far away! What brought you all the way back here?”

“Mom’s job.”

The teacher called the class to attention, cutting off Liam’s response and beginning a lecture on the Protestant Reformation that Louis barely followed. Words like “schism” and “Wycliffe” and “indulgences” swam through his head, and he tried to take notes, but it was futile. This was going to be his hardest class, by far.

As he packed up to head to his next class, Liam turned to him. “Did you catch any of that?” He asked, frowning.

Louis shook his head.

Liam chewed on his lip, closing his notebook. “Hey, I’ve got this friend, Harry, who’s great at history. He’s in, like, AP classes and everything. I’m definitely going to ask him to help me, d’ya want to join?”

Hesitantly, Louis nodded. “Sounds like a good idea. I’ll need all the help I can get, to be honest.” He took Liam’s offered phone and plugged his number in, saving his name as “Louis from History”. Hopefully, Liam wasn’t joking and actually had a friend who could help. Louis had a feeling he needed it.

++

Louis had been fine with moving. He really was. Sure, he’d left all his friends behind going into his junior year...but it didn’t matter. He’d told his mom multiple times that he was mature enough to understand why moving was the best choice for them because she had a better job here and the girls would like their new school. And he did understand it. But that didn’t make it any easier to leave behind the only group of friends who had ever been accepting of him.

He had come out to Stan and Derek and Ellis last year. They had caught on that he wasn’t interested in girls, and had made it clear they were okay with him being gay. One night, when they were huddled around Call of Duty and empty boxes of pizza, Louis took a deep breath and started to explain. He stuttered through sentences found on AVEN and other websites, hands shaking as he tried to explain the feelings in his head. That he wasn’t attracted to anyone sexually or romantically. He was happy with himself, and he still loved friendships and everything, but that he wasn’t interested in relationships.

It took a while, almost a day, for the guys to finally understand it. Louis thought they might have done some of their own research, but they would never admit it. But eventually, they gave Louis hugs and told him that they accepted him and his identity. It was the best day of Louis’ life.

But moving….moving presented a whole new set of problems. Moving meant that he would have to go through that again, the agonizing delay and long-winded explanation before finding out if his friends would accept him. Louis knew that each time he met someone, he had to come out to them. People would never look at him and assume “Oh, he’s ace!” Louis was okay with that, but it was just tiring. It was all so exhausting.

++

After school the next day, Louis got a text from an unknown number:

_Hey louiss! its liam1! harryt said hes glad to help us with history and all the refermation stuff! ill text u his adress if you want to come over ???_

Louis responded with **sure! sounds great!** and received an address in return. _Come on overr!_ Liam replied.

Without a car, Louis resigned himself to biking across town until he found himself in front of a run-of-the-mill house in an average development. Really, nothing like Regina George’s house.

He steeled himself and knocked on the front door, breathing a sigh of relief when Liam’s grinning face appeared instead of some random guys.

“Glad you found his house!” Liam greeted Louis enthusiastically. “We’re all in the basement, wanna come down?”

Louis followed him past a spacious kitchen down a steep flight of stairs. “Who’s all here?”

Before Liam could reply, they rounded the corner and Louis saw for himself. Two couches were askew in the center of the room, an old tv in the corner. Sitting on one of the couches were two guys, the blonde and the dark-haired one Louis had seen earlier. They were cuddling--or, what Louis thought was cuddling--but the dark-haired boy moved a few inches away to give the illusion of space as Louis and Liam walked down. Sprawled on a shag carpet lay the fourth in their little group: a curly-haired, grinning boy with textbooks surrounding him.

“Louis, meet the gang. Guys, this is Louis. He’s in my history class. That’s Harry, on the carpet,” Liam continued as Harry waved. “And over there is Niall and Zayn.” He pointed to the blond and the dark-haired boys respectively.

Zayn was giving Louis a look as the latter zeroed in on their hands still intertwined.

“You got a problem with this?” He demanded as Niall rolled his eyes.

“Zayn, give it a rest, okay? He’s just walked in the door.”

“‘M not gonna be seen with a homophobe, Ni.”

All four of them turned to Louis, who felt like he’s suddenly on trial. “Um, I’m cool with it? I mean, yeah, it’s all good. You do you, and all. Uh, yeah don’t, um, don’t worry.”

There was an awkward silence, and then Harry broke it, grinning.

“Well, that’s a relief, because those two are gay as they come and I’m bi myself. Liam’s our token straight friend...unless?”

Clearly it was a moment for Louis to chime in with his own identity, but he was terrified. There had been gay guys at his last school who didn’t like his identity, and he was aware enough to know that asexual people weren’t always included in lgbt spaces. It wasn’t like he was coming out as something simple, no, his identity involved so much more explaining and reassuring and just….he didn’t want to alienate the first friends he’d found.

So he shrugged and started to pull out his books, effectively changing the topic of conversation.

“So, Harry, I hear you’re a whiz at this stuff?” He plunked down on the floor, book tumbling down in front of him.

Harry nodded, sitting up and smiling at him. “Yeah, I love history. It’s like….there are so many stories and so much interesting stuff that happened! And then you compare it to the problems or, like, the issues that are relevant today and it’s such a cool dichotomy? Really, I just love reading and, like, history is kinda like literature and you see all the stories come alive and--” He looked down, blushing. “Sorry, I tend to ramble. These guys have given me so much shit for it.”

Louis laughed. “No, it’s nice to see someone passionate about something. Even if I think it’s the most boring thing ever.” Harry looked rather lovely with a sparkle in his eye.

“So, what are you guys studying?” Harry pulled Louis’ textbook over to him and began flipping through the pages as Liam sat down next to Louis.

“Um, the protestant reformation? I think it had something to do with Franz Ferdinand…” Louis trailed off, looking at Liam for reassurance, who nodded.

“Yeah, that sounds about right.”

Harry just looked at them with wide eyes. “Wait….are you joking?”

Louis shook his head.

“Louis,” Harry began, closing the book. “Be totally honest with me. Who was Franz Ferdinand?”

Louis wracked his brain. Ferdinand...that sounded Spanish. Or Italian. “Ooh! He was the Pope, wasn’t he?”

Harry blanched.

“No, Louis,” Liam chided, “he was the king who sent Columbus to the New World!”

Harry groaned. “How have you guys made it this far?”

Both Liam and Louis blushed.

Taking a deep breath, Harry opened the textbook. “Okay. First things first, forget the name Franz Ferdinand. You won’t need to know about him for at least four hundred years.”

With that, Harry launched into a lecture that was somehow ten times as interesting as the one Louis had endured in school. After ten minutes of Harry expounding on the awfulness of the Catholic Church, Niall and Zayn excused themselves to go smoke, leaving Harry, Louis and Liam alone in the basement. But Louis doesn’t focus on that, instead choosing to listen to Harry’s deep drawl and...actually learn something about history.

++

The year continued, as did Louis and Liam’s study sessions. With Harry’s help, they made it through the reformation and onto the religious wars and absolute monarchies. And Louis didn’t just study with them, he found a new group of friends that almost rivaled his old group back home.

Zayn, as it turned out, was actually a major dork. He and Louis bonded over Marvel and chastised Liam for his DC obsession, forming a comic bond Louis didn’t have even with his old friends. In Niall, Louis found a soccer friend, and he was the only person who would wake up at five in the morning to watch Premier League matches. But with Harry, Louis found something special.

Harry quickly became his best friend. An odd duck, he had friends in all circles at school, with a gaggle of artsy models seeming to follow him everywhere. He was cocky, to some extent, very clearly enjoying the attention it got him. If Louis didn’t know better, he would probably think Harry was a douche.

But rather, Harry was soft and warm. Like a blanket. One day, after saying goodbye to Taylor and Gigi and Nick and Karlie and all his other “cool friends”, Harry dragged Louis away from his house and to the animal shelter to walk the dogs. Which, apparently, he did on a regular basis.

“A lot of them were abused, Lou, and they don’t get out much.” His eyes always got big and watery when he talked about the dogs. “I just...I want to give them a little love.”

Louis’ insides went all twisty whenever Harry was amazing like that. Talking about dogs, or history, or sometimes his friends, it all made Louis remember what an incredible person Harry was.

When they were at the shelter on a cloudy Saturday, Harry put one of his favorite dogs (not that he would ever admit he had favorites because he loved them all) back in her kennel and turned to Marta, the manager, to see who he should take out next, only to see a small bundle of feathers in her arms.

“Who’s that?” he asked, Louis hanging behind him.

Marta lifted up the blanket and out popped the head of a duck, looking rather bedraggled. Marta brought it over to the vet table and set it down, and Louis watched as the poor duck sagged against her, leg stuck out awkwardly.

“We found this guy over by the pond. He’s a domesticated duck, and someone must’ve dropped him off thinking he could survive in the wild. Now he’s malnourished and has a broken foot.”

Harry cooed, his eyes drooping, tears welling up in their corners. Louis groaned, knowing what was going to happen next. Harry was going to latch onto this duck and he wouldn’t be able to let it go.

“Oh no, that’s awful. Who could do that to such a beautiful creature?” He reached out to pet its back, and the duck let out a quiet quack.

Turning quickly to Louis, Harry’s eyes lit up. “Lou, we’ve got to help him. We could be co-parents! This poor duck...it won’t survive without a lot of love.” He turned back to the duck and had such love in his eyes that Louis felt his resolve crumbling.

“Harry,” Louis began hesitantly, “Marta can probably back me up, but ducks are a lot of work. And, what about during the winter? Where would he be? It gets pretty cold, you couldn’t leave him outside…”

“We’ll figure that out as we go! The important thing is that this babe gets a place to call home. Marta, you know we could handle this, right?”

“Normally,” Marta began, bandaging up the duck’s ankle. “I would never let some random kid handle an animal like this. But I know you, Styles, and I think with Tomlinson’s help you could give a lot of care to this guy. Of course, you’ve gotta ask your parents, but if they’re cool with it I’ll give you the information you need, okay?”

Bumping into the table, Harry grabs Marta in a hug. “Thank you so much, Marta, Lou and I are going to be great parents.”

Marta sighed, but told them they could pick up the duck after setting up a pen and finding all the necessary equipment for duck care.

Harry made it his mission that week to learn all about ducks and domesticated duck care, and by association Louis learned everything as well. It seemed like between each passing period Harry would whisper a new fact into Louis’ ear, and after school he was bombarded with texts.

_What kind of crate do you think the duck will like best?_

_Ducks can live up to 20 years! We could graduate from college with this duck!_

_We need to go to that farm warehouse to get some duck feed...do you think they have coupons?_

_The duck is a Campbell Duck, i just learned! Awwww it would have been such a cute baby!_

But….it didn’t bother Louis as much as he pretended. Rather, it was sweet, to get the constant contact and reassurance of friendship. Somehow, Louis felt different about Harry than he did with his other friends. Sure, he didn’t want to fuck Harry or, like, date him, but there was something there. It scared Louis just as much as he loved it.

++

A week after getting the duck, Harry decided it needed a name.

“We can’t just keep calling it the duck, Lou, that’s demeaning. It deserves a name.”

“Well, what do you name a duck, even? Feathers?”

“That’s lame, and you know it.” Harry looked down at his textbook, flipping to a random page. “What about Zwingli? Cause, like, the Reformation helped us become friends, and Zwingli was a pretty cool dude.”

“Sure, I like it.” Anything for Harry, really.

And Zwingli the Duck had a pretty nice ring to it.

++

Somehow, Zwingli became the sixth member of their group. He never shut up, and Niall always broke into a fit of giggles when he quacked, especially when interrupting one of Harry’s stories. They started to hang out more outside, around Zwingli’s pen, and when it got colder they all bundled up to huddle around the heating lamp in the corner.

Halfway through the fall term, their group started to deplete. Liam got a job at the grocery store, Niall’s hockey season began, and Zayn threw himself into some art contest. It became less of a Big Group Hangout with Zwingli and more of Harry and Louis relaxing and talking with a duck between them.

Not that Louis minded. He really liked Harry. He was nice, and calm, and so different from anyone Louis had ever met.

They were sitting with Zwingli watching the sunset when Harry began to talk. His talks were always random, lengthy, and quite dull, but Louis loved them anyways.

“Life...it’s so precious, right, Lou?” He stroked Zwingli’s feathers. “I mean, if we hadn’t gone to the shelter that day, if we had gone to get ice cream instead, what would have happened to him?” He tilted his head. “Would Zwingli like ice cream, d’ya think? I should ask the guys on the duck forum. But anyways, I just...I can’t imagine not having Zwingli. His life might not be big and important in, like, the universe, or something, but it’s so important to me? I dunno, I just am so glad he’s with us. I’m so glad we can care for him.”

Louis felt like his heart was going to burst out of his chest. “I really admire that about you, Harry,” he said softly. Now seemed to be The Time for emotional declarations. “You give so much love, it’s really inspiring. It’s my favorite part of you.”

Harry turned to him, eyes wide. “Really?”

Louis nodded and blushed.

Then, moving Zwingli slightly out of the way, Harry moved closer to Louis. He thought it was a hug, so he opened his arms--Harry really gave the best hugs.

Instead, Harry closed his eyes and moved his lips towards Louis’ face. A kiss.

Shit.

Shit, no, this was bad.

He stood up quickly, pushing away from Harry as fast as humanly possible.

“Uh, no, I mean, um, I’m s-sorry-” He ran a hand through his hair. “Shit, I’m so sorry, Harry, but-”

“You’re straight? I thought you were gay?” Harry’s eyes looked so sad. Fuck.

“No! I mean, I’m not gay! Uh, well-I, fuck!” He took a deep breath. Jolting, he bent down and patted Zwingli on the head. “I think I should go.”

He turned to walk away, resolutely not focusing on Harry’s sniffles.

Fuck. He’d fucked up. Harry probably would never want to speak to him again, now that he’d messed everything up.

But Harry probably thought he was straight? Louis could see how that might have come across. Could he risk having to explain his identity to Harry?

The answer was of course, and he was being silly. Taking another breath, he turned around and walked back to Harry who was still hunched over and rubbing his eyes.

“Um, Harry? Sorry about that, er, a minute ago.” He closed his eyes and inhaled. “I’m asexual. And aromantic, too. Like, I don’t feel sexual attraction. Or romantic attraction, which are two different things. Like, the way you feel about someone sexually-”

Harry looked up. His hands reached to wipe away the stray tears, and his frown turned into a smile. “Lou, I’m ace, too. Ace and biromantic.” He sniffled.

“Oh, um, really?” Louis blinked quickly. He felt a shiver down his spine. He’d never met another ace person before. And now here he was, with a best friend who was ace. Like him. Someone who could...understand.

Harry just nodded and stood up, Zwingli waddling back to his pen. “Yeah. I, um, I’m sorry about the kiss. Like, I just care for you a lot? And I never want to make you uncomfortable.”

“Why, um, why didn’t you tell me? Before?”

“I didn’t know what you’d say. Like, coming out as bi at least makes sense to some people. The ace part I only really tell my closest friends, and eventual partners.”

Louis nods for once he understood. . “That makes sense. Thanks, uh, thanks for telling me.”

Harry reached forward with his arms out and Louis fell into a hug, inhaling the weird Harry-scent of vanilla candles and duck feed. “Thanks for telling me, too.”

“But, like, you know I don’t want to date you, right?” He pulled away from the hug a short distance. “Like, I don’t think I could…”

He trailed off, thinking of what it would be like to date Harry. It would probably be amazing. Especially since they were both ace, so that would clear a lot up, and Harry was probably one of those really caring and attentive boyfriends who always made you feel special. It made his heart ache, and not in a good way.

“Lou, it’s okay,” Harry said reassuringly. “I care about you, and I want you to feel comfortable and safe. It doesn’t mean that we have to date, just because we care about each other.”

Louis was hesitant, but he relaxed and accepted Harry’s smile. This could work, they could make it work.

++

Harry convinced Louis to come out to Niall, Zayn and Liam. Of course the boys took it well and enveloped him in a warm hug, Harry grinning proudly from the side. Louis felt as if it was all looking up. No longer was he hiding a big part of himself from his friends, people who had become such a big part of his life.

And he had Harry. Harry, who was more than he had ever hoped for in a friend.

They hung out more and more, seeing movies, going mini-golfing, hiking, visiting the aquarium (where Harry was very hesitant of the treatment of the sea otters, and his face got all frowny), and just relaxing with Zwingli. Louis knew, in the back of his mind, that these were all common date things, but he never felt pressured. They had their own little thing, their own idea of what a relationship could be, and that made a world of difference.

Sure, Niall would sometimes joke when Harry announced a plan for the two of them, and Liam would send Louis questioning glances, but Harry understood, and so did Louis, so that was all that mattered.

The texts, though, those were something new.

Harry was a big fan of compliments, apparently. Of course, Louis had noticed before -- he always mentioned that Zayn’s hair looked nice or how amazing Niall was in the game last night, or how Liam was finally getting the timeline of the French Revolution, congrats! But he began to text Louis random little things during the day.

_I love your smile._

_Did u know ur laugh is like the baby’s laugh in peter pan and it probably gives birth to fairies?_

_wait._

_not that i meant u are a baby_

_but like._

_the point is i like ur laugh god_

_Thanks for the help on the math homework. you’re so smart at that stuff!_

_your hair looked really nice today :)_

It didn’t make Louis uncomfortable, per say, it was just new. Different. No one else had ever been so candid and...loving. It wasn’t something Louis was used to.

See, he knew what being aromantic and asexual meant. Sure, he’d known of other ace people in loving, romantic relationships, and aro people with physical intimacy, but he got the short end of both sticks. He could have friends, but never anything more.

(His only attempt at dating was with a girl in sixth grade named Daisy who was very sweet, kissed him on the cheek, and held his hand for less than a day before he burst out and told her he wasn’t interested in her.)

But with Harry, Louis felt like he was getting that attention, that care, that friendship, without being in something he didn’t want. It was almost too good to be true.

++

They were walking down the hallway when it happened. Harry was slowly eeking out a story about Zwingli pulling on Zayn’s hair, or something, and Louis was half listening as a girl stepped in front of them, making eye contact with Harry and smiling.

Louis sort of recognized her. He had seen her around school, she was part of the artsy gang some of Harry’s friends hung out with. He thought her name was Clara or Carla or something.

“Hey Cara,” Harry said, grinning.

“Harry, hi,” Cara replied, “Louis, nice to see you too.”

Louis just nodded.

Cara took a breath and turned back to Harry. “So, I was wondering if you wanted to get dinner sometime?”

“Oh, um, sure. I’d, uh, I’d like that a lot.” Harry was blushing.

Louis looked away.

“Great! I’ll text you, yeah?”

Harry’s eyes were sparkling as Cara walked away. “Lou, did you see that? She asked me out! Oh my gosh, she asked me out. She’s so….cute! And, oh god, I’m going on a date.” Emotions flew across his face and he started chewing on his lip.

“Harry, it’s okay. You’re going to have a great time,” Louis soothed, trying to focus on Harry instead of the bile bubbling in his throat.

“You’re right. This is gonna be great.” He nodded, as if closing the conversation, and they continued down the hall to class.

Harry was right. This was great. Louis was great. Everything was great and okay, and it was all working out. It was fine. 100% okay.

Louis would be fine.

++

He was, to some extent. But he was also jealous. And that didn’t make sense! He was aromantic, for god's sake. The whole point was that he didn’t want romantic relationships! He didn’t want Harry to cuddle him or kiss him or touch him too much because that all sounded rather awful. But, he liked what he and Harry had.

So he was jealous, but Louis chalked it up to him being annoying and clingy and he tried to move on.

He really did.

++

Harry and Cara become somewhat of an item. With their stunning looks and shared dorky humor, the school started to love them as a couple. Cara sat at their lunch table and became almost a sixth member (well, she would have been if that place hadn’t already been taken by Zwingli). Somehow she became a regular in their eating contests and soccer debates (she had very strong feelings about Real Madrid, a fact that made Niall anguish), and the other boys accepted her with ease.

To make matters worse, Cara tried really hard to be friends with Louis. She was always asking his opinion on something or making some comment and catching his eye when he grinned. Louis knew Harry wanted them to get on, but he wanted to play the scorned lover card a bit longer. But even though he felt a little sick whenever Harry and Cara hold hands under the table, he understood that they were good together. Harry calmed Cara down, and in return she gave him confidence to be more himself.

He started hanging out more with Liam, although Liam’s incessant interest in Sophia’s breasts and her apparently stunning personality put a damper on a lot of their conversation. Not that Louis didn’t love Sophia, of course not, but it was more the fact that Liam had never spoken to her. Ever. And they had been going to school together since elementary school.

It was a constant, never-ending circle of romantic hell, in Louis’ opinion. Hanging out with Cara and Harry made him feel like an awkward, jealous third-wheel, Niall and Zayn were too damn mushy and also had a surprising number of inside jokes that made no sense to Louis (“Ni,” Zayn once said, laughing through tears, “This is just like the thing with the thing!” He then proceeded to take the teabag from his cup of tea and put it in his mouth, causing Niall to burst into laughter, nearly knocking his own cup over. Louis had just rolled his eyes). Liam was the best out of the four, seeing that he was unattached to anyone except the thought of Sophia Smith and her Glowing Smile, so Louis latched onto him.

In return, Liam seemed to notice something was up. He started sitting closer to Louis during lunch and study hall, walking him home when neither of them had a car, even taking him to lunch one day when the other two couples were out on a double date. It was like Louis had his own personal mother hen, and as annoying as it was, it did distract him from Cara and Harry going to see the new Pixar movie three different times.

++

One day it got worse. Apparently it was Cara and Harry’s three-month and they spent the day cuddling in the hallways and blushing at lunch. Harry leaned into Cara and pressed a soft kiss to her cheek, and Louis flashbacked to his freakout months ago. His freakout that had started this whole thing.

He took a minute to steady his breathing, spending the rest of the day staunchly avoiding eye contact from any of his friends. After school, though, he wasn’t so lucky.

Liam cornered him near the student parking lot, a worried look on his face.

“Lou, what’s wrong?” he asked, moving closer. “You’ve been off all day, I mean, you’ve been off for a while, but today was something else?”

“Nothing, Li, I’m fine,” Louis replied, trying to dodge Liam’s drawn eyebrows.

“No, Lou, you’re clearly not okay.” Liam reached out to pull on Louis’ sleeve.

“It’s fine, Li, I’m just...it’s just school, okay? So, like, don’t worry about it.” Louis wrenched his arm out of Liam’s grasp and looked at his feet.

“Lou…”

“Shut it. There’s nothing wrong. I mean, why should there be? Everything’s great everything’s just fucking great.” His voice escalated to a shout, causing Liam to take a step back.

“Um, d’ya want to go sit down? It’s a little cold out here,” Liam said softly, pressing his hands to Louis’ shoulders as he led him to his car.

Louis allowed himself to be moved to Liam’s beat-up car, suddenly thankful to escape the windy weather. As Liam walked around the car to get into the driver's seat, Louis steeled himself for an uncomfortable talk. That was the worst part about the entire situation. His life, his identity, was so confusing and complicated, how could he expect Liam to understand? Of course, Liam would give him some modicum of comfort and probably glare at Harry for a few days, but...how could he explain himself to Liam when he didn’t even know himself?

Fuck feelings.

“Lou, whatever it is, I’ll listen,” Liam began, turning hopefully to Louis.

“It’s about Harry,” Louis said as he wrung the bottom of his shirt in his hands. “Just...I shouldn’t even be talking about it really, because it’s all useless and shouldn’t matter to me! But it does! And I don’t know what that means. Like, I’m jealous. Of him and Cara. But I shouldn’t be, because they’re wonderful together and he obviously likes her a lot and I don’t even want to date him! I have no interest in being romantic with him whatsoever but…but I’m jealous. I’m jealous and upset. And I don’t know why.”

He took  a breath and rubbed his eyes, ignoring the sting of tears in the corners.

“I just hate myself for feeling like that because how can I measure up to someone who’s in love? Like, I’ll never experience love and I don’t know if anyone will put up with me for a long period of time because, I can't give them sex or love, and what else do people want? What else would be worth it? I’m happy for Cara and Harry I’m...I just…”

Louis trailed off, waiting for Liam to respond. After a few beats of silence, Liam launched himself over the center console, gearshift digging into his side, and pulled Louis into a heavy hug. He smelled like cologne and grass, and his weight was warm against Louis’ chest.

“Lou,” he whispered, “No. Don’t ever feel like that.”

He moved back a bit, and Louis saw his eyes getting watery.

“Liam--”

“No, I’m going to say something, and I want you to listen.” He paused, but Louis stayed silent.

“I can’t really speak to the aseuxal or the aromantic experience, but Harry really cares about you. Like, Harry wouldn't be the same person without you, and Harry would never abandon you even if he does fall in love. Like, there are so many more different types of love and emotion and you can't say that those friendships are less important than a romantic relationship because they're not. They help you grow, and teach you, and give you comfort that even romantic relationships might not give. Like, Harry loves you, and his relationship with Cara doesn't change that. Does that...I mean, does that make sense?”

Louis was shocked. “Where the hell did that come from?”

Liam blushed “I dunno, I mean, I just...y’know.” He rubbed his eyes.

“Liam...I...how did you know that?” Louis can’t even begin to understand. Liam, wonderful, heterosexual Liam, just gave him a speech on love. One that, for the first time in Louis’ life, made sense.

“I, uh, I did some research, y’know, message boards and AVEN and stuff. It’s useful, and I wanted to make sure I was, like, there for you and Harry, that’s all.”

Louis was floored. Somehow, he had managed to find someone who willingly sought out information on Louis’ obscure identity. Never had anyone shown as much interest or anything in him. Louis took his hand, squeezing it tightly. “Thank you. Holy shit, thank you.”

Even though Liam’s words had lifted Louis’ spirits exponentially, he was still feeling nervous about Harry.

“D’ya want to go talk to Harry?”

Louis shook his head. Even with the reassurance, he was...scared. Scared of Harry’s reaction, scared of what it might do, weak.

“Um, I can take you to my house? We can have some juice or something?”

“Only you, Liam,” Louis scoffed. “Most kids would offer booze or something. But I’d love a glass of juice, to be honest.”

Liam laughed and started the car. As they drove away from the school, Louis thought he saw a few people near the doors, but that could have just been the janitors.

++

Liam’s house was empty, his sisters out for the evening and his parents on a weekend trip to the city. He flipped on the lights as they walked through the cozy rooms, taking glasses of grape juice back to the cushiest couch in the living room.

Turning on the TV, Liam began to surf through the channels, leaving Louis to sort through his own thoughts. They sat in silence, and Louis was grateful that he didn’t have to articulate anything, because he could barely get it through his own head, let alone his mouth.

He loved Harry. That much he was certain about. But...he loved Harry as a friend, more than he could love anyone in the world. That’s what made it so hard. To Louis, it didn’t make sense that he could love someone so much and not be the most important person in their life. Because to most people, that friendship, platonic love, was nothing compared to the lustful or romantic adoration they gave to certain people. That love was so specific, so unique, it made it all the more special.

Louis never felt that love. Sometimes, he thought about how much better his life would be if he could feel something like that. Or at least if he could have sex with someone. But...until Harry came along, he was happy with who he was. Comfortable.

Not so much anymore.

The space was silent, aside from the quiet murmur of the TV. Suddenly, there was a knock at the door, shaking Louis out of his thoughts. Liam paused whatever show was on and Louis followed him into the hall, where the porch light illuminated Harry’s face behind the door.

Liam pulled open the door, Louis taking a step behind him.

“Hey, Harry, how’s it going?” Liam asked, voice cordial as always.

Harry’s lips lifted up in half a smile, but dropped back to his grave face almost instantaneously. “Can I, can I talk to Louis?” He looked behind Liam, making eye contact.

Louis bit his lip. “Fine, I guess.”

Liam gave him a worried look, but Louis smiled a bit. “It’s okay. I have to do this.”

“I’ll, uh, let you guys talk. remember what I told you, Lou, yeah?” He then pressed a hand to Louis’ shoulder and left.

Suddenly, Louis and Harry were standing alone in a dark hallway, and after a minute of silence, Harry asked:

“Do you want to go for a walk? There’s a pond over by my house that's really pretty at night, and we could go there and, like...talk?”

With tone of his voice, the grave look on his face, and the way he was tugging on his sleeve, Louis didn’t really want to wait until they got to the pond for Harry to yell at him.

“Its pretty cold, we can just talk in here.”

They moved into the living room, Liam having gone up to his room apparently, and sat down on the couch with an awkward space in between, staring at each other. Harry broke the silence.

“It's okay, y'know, if you're dating Liam. I...I’m fine with it.”

Louis’ jaw nearly dropped. “Harry...I'm aromantic. I’m not dating anyone.”

Harry frowned, a little wrinkle forming between his eyes.

“So...you're not dating him? And you haven't been avoiding me to hang out with him?”

Louis tugged at his lip.

“Well, I mean, I’m not dating him, but I was kind of avoiding you.”

“Did I do something? Did you not want to hang out with me because of something I did?”

Louis sighed. “No, of course, not. I don’t want to be cliche, but it’s not you, it’s me? Like, it’s stupid and lame but I was jealous? Because I thought that we had something, and when you started dating Cara, I felt replaced. It's awful of me to feel this way, and I know it's not fair because, like, I can't say that I don't want to date you but I don't want you to date anyone else so I’m trying to get over it? And Liam gave me this speech or something about being aromantic and, like, about love... I mean I don't really remember exactly what he said but, like, if you just give me some time I promise I’ll be back to normal? I’m sorry.”

After his little speech, Harry was nearly in tears, his eyes are all sad and watery.

“You’re sorry? What for? From what you’re saying, I deserted you. I made you feel invalid. I...this is all my fault. I mean, why didnt you tell me?”

“Because I was feeling like shit, duh. I just...I have a hard time realizing that platonic relationships are just as important as romantic ones? And so it felt like you were deserting me-”

Then Harry pulled Louis in for a really big hug.

“I wish I never made you feel like that.”

Louis sniffled, feeling safe and loved in Harry’s embrace.

“I just...I need to know that you care about me--even if you don’t love me--and that you won’t leave me behind because I’m not, like, romantically interested in you.”

Harry took in a shuddering breath.

“You...Louis,” he breathed out. “You’re the most important person in my life--outside of my family, of course. You’re, you’re just so kind and funny and amazing and charismatic and...I can’t believe I’ve made you forget that. If you don’t like Cara, I mean, I’ll break up with her immediately. I want you to be happy and comfortable, and I want you to know that you’re loved. By me, by Liam, by the rest of the guys. You’re so important to us, but me especially.” He pulled out his phone. “Actually, I’ll call Cara right now, explain the situation.”

“No-” Louis interrupted, pushing his phone down. “It’s my internal problem, and you like her. It’s fine. I’m fine with you guys going out, or whatever. It’s something that you want, and if we’re going to be friends I need to learn to accept that? I dunno...hopefully, though, we can make this work?”

Harry still looked on the brink of crying, and for a short minute, Louis wished things had turned out different. He wished he hadn’t spoiled Harry’s relationship with his issues, he wished he was able to suck it up and just date him, even if he didn’t know what “dating” meant.

“Lou?” Harry broke through his internal thoughts, startling him.

“Nothing, sorry.”

They sat in silence as Louis tried to collect his thoughts. His phone buzzed, and he picked it up, grateful for the distraction.

_everrything okaay?_ Liam texted, _u guyss have been talkin for a long timme_

**yeah,** Louis responded, **its going okay, i think. i still dont know what to do.**

_he lovess u and u lvoe him make sure he sundersstands that?_

Louis smiled at Liams kind words and put his phone back on the couch.

“Harry,” he began, “I want you to date Cara. I want you guys to be happy together, but, I don’t want you to forget about me. Can we do that? Will that be...like...okay?”

Harry nodded, gently taking Louis’ hand in his. “If you’re okay with that. I really mean it. You’re so important, Lou. I want you to get along with anyone I date, y’know?”

Taking a deep breath, Louis squeezed Harry’s hand. “I do. And I’ll try to get to know Cara a bit better. I promise.”

“Is it…” Harry began, leaning in, eyes locking on Louis’ cheek. “Can I?”

Louis nodded, and Harry leant in, pressing a soft kiss to his cheek. It was intimate in a way Louis had never thought he would ever be. Like they were in a bubble, an emotional space without the world encroaching on them. It was perfect.

u can come down now Louis texted Liam. All sorted.

A few seconds later, Liam came bounding down the stairs, smiling at both of them. Louis scooted over until he was pressed against Harry, but it was comforting. Now that he knew where they stood, it was like he could finally relax around Harry. Everything was out in the open, and the truth really had set him free.

(Maybe Louis did live in a rom-com, just not the most traditional of sorts.)

****  
  


**Author's Note:**

> If you ever want to talk about being aro/ace, or anything, my tumblr is [here. Be strong, and know that you're not alone!](http://www.bourgeoix.tumblr.com)


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